I wonder why I can't just believe

 This is for me.  If you're reading this it's an accident.  Although, secretly I do want some acknowledgment here.  

I'm 45.  I have been a Christian since birth.  I became a born again Christian when I was about 15.  I have been wrestling with my faith since I was about 25.  So, for the last 20 years the Christianity that I follow has been a moving target.  20 years.  That's quite a while.  

It would be so much easier if I could just believe.  

But, for some reason, I can't.  

I can't and that is the reason for this blog.  Why can't I just believe like I once did?  I liked that version of the faith. Well, I think I did.  But, whether those were better times or if I really do feel more peace about my beliefs now, that's what I'm here to talk about.  

Why do I have such a hard time just believing?  Maybe it's that I've learned more about the Bible and I just can't buy into the blind faith like I once did.  Maybe it's because I experienced something so surprising when I worked at St. Peter's UCC that I can't go back to the Baptist belief that felt so real in high school and college.  Maybe it's because I haven't been able to discuss these issues with my wife because she "has just always believed" as long as she can remember.  Or maybe I'm not part of the right group of people at our three different churches we have been a part of.  Or is it that I have so much sin in my heart that I just can let go and let God be the ruler of my heart.  Or maybe.  Or maybe.  Or maybe.  

Wow.  It really feels like I'm not going to get anywhere with this.  So, what can I do to get to the issue?  It sounds like a rhetorical question, but it isn't.  I really don't know what to do to get back my faith.  

I could re-hash all of my Christian experiences.  I could talk to some of my progressive minister friends.  I could talk to some of my evangelical Christian friends.  Or I could write about what is making me feel like this is even a problem in the first place.  

... I think that's it.  That's what I'll start with.  Why am I even concerned about this issue anyway?  If I just ignore it or didn't care wouldn't it just go away?  Not for the last 20 years it hasn't.  So it's as good of a time as any to give it some thought.  

Today I saw that Susie had bought some books for the kids.  Great Christian figures throughout history.  Should be an ok book.  But when I looked at the publisher I saw it was clearly a book with an evangelical Christian perspective, and my heart sank.  Susie was so excited about them and when she asked me "aren't these neat" I had to fake it just a bit and say yeah, they're cool.  So, I stuffed my actual feelings to avoid her reaction to me that says (at least the way I hear it is) why don't you just get over your pathetic, unworthy theology and get with the real program.

If I could just believe this kind of situation wouldn't be a situation, but it is the very kind of incident that pushes me further away.  Breathe in.  Breathe out.  We can figure this out.  Good start.  We're going to get it, eventually.  Though, it may take some time.  

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