RE-construction... Long-term project

 I have moments where I'm feeling pretty miserable.  As my pastoral counselor says, "hopelessness is very close."   Our 20th anniverary is less than 2 weeks away.  So far we have to plans to celebrate.  What would there be to celebrate?  Sure there have been some remarkable memories, but what do we have to show for it in our relationship.  The memories have beat me down more than they have drawn us together. I have little ability to be open and vulnerable with Susie.  When I an vulnerable it somes across as weakness.  Scott says that there is a bind when I communicate truth.  That is shows an honesty about me accepting who I am.  That there is an integrity to speaking my truth.  Even that this can come off as attractice even though I feel week when I express my weakness.   When Elijah is home it becomes all the more clear that she is making an effort to connect to others.  It is in the way that she seeks his...

Spanish Carmelite mystic John of the Cross [1542–1591]. they too were inflamed with “love’s urgent longings”; they too went out into the dazzling dark with “no other light or guide than the [flame] that burned in [their] hearts.” [6] The Spirit of the Lord descended, and they experienced an inflow of divine love that gushed up, uniting their hearts in prayer and song and shout that “made heaven ring.”  Olaudah Equiano (1745–1797). “O, ye nominal Christians! might not an African ask you, learned you this from your God, who says unto you, Do unto all men as you would men should do unto you?”

 I think that's Susie's way of saying if someone is a good Christian or not.   I don't think that Susie would say that I am someone who loves the Lord.  What a disappointment that must be for her!?   And I must say that I am doing practices that help me draw near to God but that on most days God is not often on the forefront of my mind throughout the day.   So, I shouldn't compare because that is only going to make me feel more distant from God.   I just want Susie and me to be back on good terms.  These kids are so darn exhausting and not having her to deal with the stress of these kids is sucking the motivation to enjoy parenting.  I could go on about these kids but they are a handful.  I can hardly get a minute for myself.  

 This is tough.  This is a really tough time.  I feel hopeful that Susie and I are in the process of restoring our relationship sometimes but then I get the feeling that things aren't really changing inside of her and inside of me.   As first I would just tell myself that Jesus is enough but I don't have that feeling so often anymore.  Maybe I need to start really asking God to be near to me.  I need to pray in the morning.  I need to meditate in the morning.  I want to continue to heal, not be in this stuck state that I am in.   26 more days until our 20th anniversary.  26 days.  It feels like such a pivital date to me.  Happy 20th anniversary.  It only makes me sad to think about those words.  It's not going to be much of a happy anniversary.  In fact, I have a basketball game that day.  Heck, it's even an away basketball game.  That way I won't even have to hardly see Susie that whole day....