She Is Why I Want to Get Back My Faith

 Just day 2 of the blog and I think I can already sense some sense of peace and resolution about my faith.  Not that I have arrived, but I think I can sense a little change.

The question I'm asking myself is why can't I just believe in the Christian faith like I used to.  

While I don't begin to think I can clearly answer this question, I think I do know why the question is so important to me.  It is because the most important relationship in my life depends on it.  The relationship with my wife.  She is a believer.  She believes in the Bible and all of its stories and claims and miracles and history.  She believes in the historical doctrine of the church.  She believes in the authority of our current church and has a passion for it.  She has a demeanor toward the people of the church that doesn't place them as more important or better than anyone else, but she does have a special place in her heart for them.... And we've only been at this church for less than a year!  

I, on the other hand, think these are some of the nicest people but have a real or perceived sense that there is an agenda to bring me into their fold, but I'm really not interested in that at this point.  I don't agree with many of the claims from the sermons.  I am glad our kids enjoy the church and I hope they grow to love and follow Jesus with all their hearts, but that is not a desire that I feel when I am around this church.  And outside of the church, I do not relate to conservative Christian thinkers.  I relate to unorthodox thinking about Christianity and many of the cultural and moral stances that progressives hold.  

And church and faith are very important to both of us.  

How far we are apart in this area of our lives.  How much better would it be if we could find common ground in our faith.  

It's not like we haven't dealt with this before.  I remember talking about these very issues when we were going through marriage counseling during the months before we were married.  It was almost a deal-breaker after one particularly challenging counseling session.  And here we are 20 years later and the issue still remains.  

How much easier it would be if we could just be on the same page.  

But, what will it take for us to get on the same page?  

I found a chance to bring up some of my disagreements with the sermon today with her.  I told her that it is not necessary to explain away the contradictions about the Old Testament law and Jesus' claim to fulfill the law.  That it's OK to just admit that the bible is messy and that it isn't supposed to give a clear explanation about all of its contradictions.  That the points the pastor made were great points about following God but that he is making the Bible into something that isn't. She disagreed.  But at least I was honest.  It was not a conversation and she wants to have nothing with me unorthodox beliefs, but words were at least shared and that's more we talked about it than usual.  

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