The Perfect Husband and An Imperfect Bride

 Susie is great.  She listens.  She follows through.  She cares about the little things.  And that makes all the difference because it's the little things that really count in the end.  

I, on the other hand, cannot seem to get out of my own head, concerned with my own little world.  I try to please Susie in all I do but that seems to be a terrible motivator.  I'm not keeping up my end of the husband-bride relationship.  

Jesus, on the other hand, was, as the church teaches, the perfect husband wedded to his very imperfect bride, the church.  He can be my example.  But how do I open my heart to him and let him show me how.  

What kind of husband am I?  What kind of father am I?  

Like my dad, I am a husband that allows my bride to lead.  This is not so much done out of laziness or even choice, but a feeling that I don't really know how.  I feel like the lesser of the two of us and so I let her lead.  It's a lack of confidence, but I think it's also my struggle to care enough about all the goings-on at the same pace that she does, so when I try to be helpful, they are usually just waiting for me to get caught up with what is going on.  

Yeah, that pretty much defines the kind of husband that I am.  And pretty much defines the kind of father I am.  I'm willing to do what it takes.  But not able to lead very well.  

This because particularly last night when my son called me out for not helping to guide him more through the challenge of going through his teenage years dealing with the struggle of pornography.  He asked me why I didn't talk to him more about it.  My answer was that I guess I was just lazy.  Maybe that is the right answer.  But it feels like I just wasn't good enough at it to think what I would have said would make much of a difference when I had been such a failure during my adolescent, college, and early adult life in that area.  

So, when it comes to trying to make my wife see her faith like I see my faith, it's no wonder that I can't get her to consider my view of faith.  I try to lead her to consider some of the insights I have discovered, but she only sees those attempts as a foolish notion on my part at best, or an attack on her foundation and the bedrock of our family at worst.  So, we continue to stay in these two very different places in our faith without a clear path, hell, seemingly any path, to reconcile our differences.  

But, who knows.  Maybe one day I can set my pride aside and believe again.  I have my doubts about that, but I'm going to try to have faith that God can still make miracles happen.