A Tough Season of my Life

 I have moments where I'm feeling pretty miserable.  As my pastoral counselor says, "hopelessness is very close."  

Our 20th anniverary is less than 2 weeks away.  So far we have to plans to celebrate.  What would there be to celebrate?  Sure there have been some remarkable memories, but what do we have to show for it in our relationship.  The memories have beat me down more than they have drawn us together.

I have little ability to be open and vulnerable with Susie.  When I an vulnerable it somes across as weakness.  Scott says that there is a bind when I communicate truth.  That is shows an honesty about me accepting who I am.  That there is an integrity to speaking my truth.  Even that this can come off as attractice even though I feel week when I express my weakness.  

When Elijah is home it becomes all the more clear that she is making an effort to connect to others.  It is in the way that she seeks his atunement when she says something.  Seeking atunement from me is not something that she does.  Maybe very slightly, like tonight when we were talking about the boys eating healthier at night time, but even then she doesn't really pursue hardly any attention from me.  It break my heart.  

Dang it.  I feel like I have invested so damn much into this relationship.  I have given so much, at least in the way that I knew how to give.  And I thought I had someone who would love and be committed to me unconditionally.  I guess not.  

Hope in the Lord.  How does that happen?  What does that mean?  Susie has it.  I do not.  Hopelessness if very close to me.  The question I have asked myself today, and it feels like it is a echo that I have asked myself before, probably have been asking myself for years, is what good am I?  I'm not good at much of anything.  So, really I'm not much good.  That's how I feel.  Man, that is depressing.  Depressing and not hopeful.  But I have a hard time evoking hope.  Hopelessness.  Leading toward despair.  

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