Tough Times

 This is tough.  This is a really tough time.  I feel hopeful that Susie and I are in the process of restoring our relationship sometimes but then I get the feeling that things aren't really changing inside of her and inside of me.  

As first I would just tell myself that Jesus is enough but I don't have that feeling so often anymore.  Maybe I need to start really asking God to be near to me.  I need to pray in the morning.  I need to meditate in the morning.  I want to continue to heal, not be in this stuck state that I am in.  

26 more days until our 20th anniversary.  26 days.  It feels like such a pivital date to me.  Happy 20th anniversary.  It only makes me sad to think about those words.  It's not going to be much of a happy anniversary.  In fact, I have a basketball game that day.  Heck, it's even an away basketball game.  That way I won't even have to hardly see Susie that whole day.  Which will be just fine to me.  I don't think I will be able to face her that day because it is just going to be so painful.  

I guess I appreciate her being clear with me in her body language that she's not ready to begin working on our relationship.  At least that way I know where I stand and know that I still need to work on me.  

But the fact that she's not even talking about it with me is hard.  Maybe she's waiting for me to be more direct and strong in my desire to talk with her and work things out.  I think I could wait until after the basketball season is over to do this.  That will be some time but that time may be good for the two of us to work through some things on our own, at least for me.  

It's so humiliating to think that she has to treat me like such a child because of my inability to keep up with her.  I think she really is happier now because she's don't need to tend to my needs and feel obligated to entertain my boring personality and conversation.  

On the other had, do I really see her?  Do I REALLY see her?  I think I've seem in her more of a reflection of myself and my needs instead of seeing her.  I need to keep studying the enneagram and really try to understand her.  Which is something I don't and haven't really done.  I don't hardly try to understand anyone.  

I do feel so alone.  One of the tasks I should seek to be more healthy, according to my enneagram, is to pursue relationships.  It's such a challenge for me and not something that comes without effort.  But I can tell it's important for me to do.  So, I need to pursue relationships.  

Grief is as one definition states it 'the natural reaction' or 'the accute pain' that accompanies loss.  

I have grief.  But I'm finding it hard to grieve.  

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